Thursday, May 16, 2013


These days when I hear about the mushrooming of divorce cases I feel disturbed  to think about the change in our society. Is this a trend or a fashion or a culture to be followed? Most of the divorces happen within the first few years of marriage. What can we understand about each other in just a few years of marriage? Marriage is a mystery. It is like fishing in the ocean. Sometimes you get a good catch as expected, but some times not as expected. .All you need is an open heart and a good expertise  to make the best out of it.

I came to know that one of my friends's niece had applied for a divorce after three years of marriage. The reason behind it being --"he is not as I expected him to be". She added that she had given three years for him to change but he hadn't changed a bit. How can a person who has lived twenty seven years of his life believing in his own character change all of a sudden in just three years?  Don't you think this is not a valid reason for a divorce, to break up a relationship which is meant to be life long? How easy  could it be if you can change your character instead of insisting your partner to change his or her character as you expect it to be.

These days character analysis is done superficially.One cannot understand the true inner self of another soul totally. You can know about a person only to a certain extent . The true inner self of a person , be it your dad, mom, brother, sister, your own children, husband , friend, anyone for that matter, cannot be fathomed fully. Only the individual will know about his or her's inner self . This being the case how can we judge a person within a few years of marriage? Even after 17 years of married life my husband still does not know what I like and what I don't like, in spite of the fact me listing out my likes and dislikes periodically.  It all turns into a deaf ear. This does not mean that he does not love me.It is just the difference in his  preferences in life. If I also ignore his likes and dislikes then our life would go for a toss.  Giving importance to his wants is my way of showing that I care for him. Yes men are from Mars and women are from Venus!! This doesn't mean that I don't make a big issue of it . Haven't gotten into that stage of maturity yet though!!. I do throw my own style of tantrums .

When young or old we tend  to make friendship with people who have similar characters like ours, who have the same wavelength, same frequency, same voltage. same watts  or name it anything you want it to be. Initially in marriage  when we look for our pair we look for similar traits as ours, we look for compatibility. According to the latest trend you look for same Chemistry, Physics , or what ever.....But sometimes, ironically this doesn't work out.

During the "phase of  love" especially the first few months ,during  the honey moon period everything seems to be musical. Marriage life has many phases like the moon-- so waxing and waning i.e ups and downs are to be expected in the relationship as well. But when the second phase-- marriage comes things turn a zigzag turn and starts sounding like a cracked CD (gramophone is outdated) . When two persons of same dominating characters get married there is a clash of  opinions, ego, individuality etc. etc.because both of them tend to think the same way for good or bad. If we ask our elders they come out with a simple  answer for this. They say that this is the reason why they look for horoscope matching. Does this mean that people who are married according to the astrologer's advice don't go for a divorce?

 I don't think that my daughter would ever agree for this kind of a marriage. Like many others, according to her astrologers cannot decide on who is to marry whom.  Already she has told me that she would get married only to a person whom she gets to know before marriage. I ask  her how much she can  know about a person in few months or years. It takes many many years to understand a person's real self that too only to a certain extent. We can know about them 75% rest 25% we assume we know them thoroughly. And to accept a person the way they are needs a lot of maturity . Now her age doesn't let her accept the truth hidden in  my words. As she grows older she will understand  the reality.All daughters become moms one day.  As of now I am happy that I am in the list of people to be invited for her wedding. She has told us that she will only invite the close relatives for her wedding and that me and her papa are in the list. Hope we are in the topmost of the list!!! Though she is too young to discuss about all this still we do it for some time pass---sometimes we are a crackpot family. I use such opportunities of discussions to inject my thoughts into her brain. Hoping that knowingly or unknowingly some of  my thoughts will be registered in her brain.

 Personally I feel  the younger generation is  so independent financially that they feel there is no need for adjustment between them when there is a discrepancy. When they are of same character they want to prove their own individuality. If for instance both are of adjusting characters(which seldom happens in a marriage) then fine, they will be in cloud nine . But if they  both are like two male lions then think about the war zone effect...Two knives cannot fit in a same sheath---literal translation of the Tamil proverb "ஒரு உறையில் இரு கத்தி இருக்க முடியாது”....This holds good only for a couple where both of them are dominating. Here, like poles repel. This is true  even among any relationships--brothers and  sisters, parents and children....But the difference is with parents, brothers , sisters , children or friends you adjust to withhold the relationship. Or may be there is no choice of divorce with these relationships. At the most you refrain from talking to each other but you don't want to break the relationship legally. Marriage is one relationship you have the choice of breaking the relationship legally , letting the whole world to know about it. May be it is a way to let the world know that you are not in a relationship anymore and that you are open for another relationship.

Sometimes my husband and my daughter argue a lot among themselves. Final report is that they both belong to Mars and have similar characters, that is the reason for their  arguments. Me being the mediator will try to pacify both by asking at least one of them to be quiet. Whether they listen to me or not is another topic for discussion. Between a dad and daughter or a dad and a son or a mom and a daughter the role of a mediator helps a lot. But among couples  I feel we should never have mediators. Both the husband and wife should talk to each other about their own problems and seek solutions within themselves. My mom says a tamil proverb, ”குறவன் சேதி குறத்திக்கு தான் தெரியும்”--which literally means only a gypsy wife will know the true colors of her gypsy husband.... It is better they sort out their problems by talking to each other . Letting a third person in marriage is like adding fuel to the fire. Each one has their own way of communicating ideas.

End of the day it is only the word adjustment which works wonders in marriages.It is one safe, fool proof  medication which we can administer to ourselves without any side effects.  Unless one of them is ready to adjust no one can mend the cracked  path of their marriage. One cannot change another's character, only you can adjust to their character. Where there is true love there should be acceptance of shortcomings too. Time and age makes one  a better person. As you grow older you start understanding the true  person inside. One's fixed opinions change with circumstances and experience.  For this you need ample patience like a crane...

When opposite poles attract, opposite genders attract , when every action has an opposite reaction then why not we accept the fact that life will be interesting to live with a person of opposite character??In such circumstances only life becomes interesting, adventurous, and challenging. Otherwise we will be sailing in a boat which sails only in one particular direction... Let the pill of "adjustment" be prescribed to all the ailing relationships and the disease of divorce which is caused due to the "adamant" virus be contained in our society.